Update on Mom in the form of a riff…

9 thoughts on “Update on Mom in the form of a riff…”

  1. Yeesh Gayle you are so amazing with words and expressing in such beautiful, raw, honest, heartfelt, soulful, wisdom. And boy this one really speaks to me as I too take care of my mama 24/7. And I too, like Maxe, have noticed how difficult it is to be happy with all the suffering and, for me, especially with what my mama is going through now. And there’s the getting older thing which I’m watching my ma struggle with, saying things like everything has gotten difficult. Watching her struggle with the limits her body has recently churned. She says things like I wish I was 20 years younger or I wish my body could move that way and each time I feel a piece of my heart break. So I wonder which is better, to die so young like my dad or to go through what seems like some kind of cruel torture as one ages. Then there is the wondering what will happen if I grow old, who will be there for me the way I am here for my mama? I am trying to be strong and positive for her and then I am not and allow her to see my sad my worry my anxiety. Last night I asked her if she was afraid to die. She said she’s really not because you dies and then you’re just gone. I asked her about staying in touch after she dies and she said well I would love that if it’s possible. I told her I know it is possible and reminder her about recently going to s medium and talking with my dad for hours. She said, you don’t have to go to a medium to do that. I’m relieved that she doesn’t seem to be afraid to die. Anyway rambling in response to your inspiring writing.
    Xo
    Cj

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    1. Dear Cj, I appreciate your raw, honest, soulful, heartfelt wisdom too. Your questions are good ones, and sometimes there are no good answers, and even if we have them, life still happens while we’re busy making plans as they say. I don’t thinking dying young or going through the “cruel torture as one ages” are the only two options. But each situation and person is different and therefore there is not any single answer, except to keep showing up, paying attention, tell the truth, and not being attached to the outcome. Small task! Eh? You say you are strong and positive and then you are not. That seems an entirely normal response to such a challenge. I am so happy to hear your Mama is not afraid to die. It’s so wonderful that you are standing at her side with her, willing to be present, and do your best. She must be SO grateful. That itself is the biggest gift. xoxo, g

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  2. I love your writing and raw honesty also. CJ – I’m sorry for what you are experiencing too. Like you said this is a difficult and very poorly illuminated path. Love you.

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    1. Yes, dear KND, it’s lucky Mary Oliver wrote it, or else we probably wouldn’t even have had words for such an extreme challenge. But having the poem, flowing in its natural wisdom there to contemplate helps. It lets me know I’m not the first to wonder at the difficulty, not the first to not accept the easy religion-provided answer of heaven and hell… Not the first to grapple with the gob-smacking enormity of mortality, esp. of those we love deeply. Miss you, xo, g

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  3. Dearest Gayle, I’m just reading this Mother’s Day one–maybe again, but feels new and how did I miss, but feeling I’ve been missing things–in one of my spirals of blues. Tired by the current quandary–which often means what I decide doesn’t really matter, just DECIDE–I did wake with old wisdom via Efrem, “You are the source of your own boredom,” with all the spin-offs. I am the source of my own happiness, purpose, meaning. This holding on and letting go, the intensity of the love we both have for our mother-daughter realities, your phase of the process just speaks volumes each day. Specific and yours, Bea and Gayle, and Mother-Daughter of post WW II. Hopes, happiness, disappointments, and losses all simmer and are reflected.
    I love you, I’m holding you, thinking of you going through this mortal, inevitability. You are doing and being everything you need to be. I feel the vividness of your being alive in it, with it, and am here simply as your old friend, an echo–everything you are doing with and for your Mom is perfect. You can’t fix what is unfixable. You are walking her home, or getting her through this current crisis, for another day. How very lucky you are to have Bea, how lucky she is to have you.

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    1. I’m feeling your loving and holding, Melody.. Also a piece of advice you offered (I think it was in response to a FB post) about just BRING WITH her resonated deeply and returns to support me in doing just that, as much as I can. Yes, there’s all the “doing” that needs to be done, and then there is the exquisiteness of “just being with”. Thank you for that teaching and reminder! xo, g

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  4. OH AND…fascinating how your Mom asks overly personal, intimate…or in her experiences the really IMPORTANT questions of life–are you happy so often connected to “are you connected?” As young women, these questions from Mother or ADULT women felt prescribed, limited, locked in, overly focused on do-you-have-a-boyfriend? I can recall bristling that it was the RX, the formula, for happiness…it is what they knew it “boiled down to”….are you connected and sharing yourself in regular increments? I love how you see your acts may reach the person who may change the world. The pressing quest? It wasn’t off-the-wall at all, really. And what we know is what we know brought meaning or happiness to “us”, what can we do but attest to it? We also know having the imagination beyond those truths of centuries, well, appealed and called us, some changes and redefinitions were and are afoot.

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